10 Dos and Don’t for Weddings.
Whatever happens, you’ll probably enjoy your wedding, but here are my high impact suggestions. I’m not married but I’ve been to over 20.
Things to add:
1. Think about who it’s for. Beyond your spouse (or spouses) who is this wedding about? Your friends? Your family? Your god? How can the event work well for these people? Write down differerent groups and think of something that would make their day:
- Plan activities for your friend’s children
- Invite a couple of close friends of your parents
- Make sure there is enough food for me
2. Explain what your marriage means to you. You don’t get many chances to explain yourselves to those closest to you. Why are you getting married? Many of your guests will have different expectations of marriage. How can you show them what your marriage means to you? A good explanation makes the truth obvious. Perhaps your marriage isn’t that important to you. in which case, how can you convey how it fits with the rest of your life.
3. Group singing & group dancing. These are great fun. Whether hymns or the Beatles, a Ceilidh or a dancefloor, people love doing things in groups. Consider what your guests are going to be comfortable singing and dancing to.
4. Rejig best man and maid of honour. I enjoy a speech from a friend of the groom and the bride. Also there doesn’t need to be one of each. Get your friends to do whatever part of the roles they’ll be best at. Have someone do a speech, someone plan the stag/hen do, someone to stand by you in the ceremony. It’s good to have someone telling the guests what’s happening next. Occasionally, I have “volunteered” for the role
5. Take some time imagining the wedding wasn’t what you’d hoped. What things spring to mind? Your subconscious is good at knowing what is likely to happen, but often we don’t try until afterwards. Take 5 minutes to imagine that the wedding has failed. Whatever comes to mind are the things you should act on.
6. Ask some people you consider wise about their relationship. Long term relationships come in many forms. Open, religious, ad hoc, 3+ people. Whatever you believe, there is lots you won’t see from the outset. Ask someone who has experience of the kind of relationship you want. Ideally, do this before you get married.
Things to remove:
7. Don’t spend loads of time on things people won’t notice. Sure, little touches are important, but don’t let your mum spend 20 hours in the run-up to the wedding varnishing the bottoms of tables.
8. Don’t pretend that the wedding is the most important thing. It’s a lovely party, yes, but in most traditions, it’s one day. Whenever someone starts treating the wedding as the main thing, remind them that it isn’t. If a perfect wedding existed, you’d spoil it by being there. Lower your expectations a tad, you’ll have more fun that way.
9. Remove the father of the bride speech. I’ve heard some great speeches here and some bad ones, but in general, it’s the least good of the wedding speeches. Largely, because the father of the bride is speaking to people his age, who you haven’t invited. I’d replace it with a speech from the maid of honour — someone who, at this point, knows the bride better than her father. The same goes for dirty speeches. Read the room. If the groom’s best mate isn’t capable of that, get someone else to do the speech.
10. Don’t tire yourselves out in the days before the wedding. Plan several days of contingency and make sure you get enough sleep. At some point on the day before, if things aren’t done, you’ll have to admit they won’t be.
Whatever happens, the people you love will be with you, so don’t sweat it. You’ll probably have a lovely time. Likely, you won’t be able to take your eyes off your spouse and you won’t notice most of this list. Finally, be kind to yourselves — many weddings are long and tiring along with all the joy. Make sure there is slack in your planning.
I love weddings and it has been a joy to attend those I have. To my friends, thank you and may your marriages be long and satisfying.
For more tips, my full list is here.
